Of seraphim and archangels.

A couple of days ago, I would have celebrated the fourteenth anniversary of my relationship with my first love, had we lasted this long.
It’s obvious I still look back at it now and then, mostly during those times when I feel uncertain about possible relationships. Like now.
D has been quite obvious with his intentions, though he hasn’t been upfront about it because I’ve been very good at dodging, if not thwarting, his intentions. It’s not exactly him that’s the problem, although admittedly I am puzzled that he rarely mentions my name. It bothers me, to say the least, as J seldom called me by name. And if that’s any indication of how a possible relationship will go, then we’re off to a rocky start.
One other thing that prevents me from allowing things to just happen – aside from my normal familial concerns – is the thought that maybe, just maybe, a “thing” really existed with me and M, and I want to explore this a little further. After all, I have known him longer than D. Not to mention the added attraction that I had come to befriend him by my own doing.
But if I’d really be honest with myself, it’s my unhealthy attraction to – bordering on obsession over – SM that’s preventing me from taking whatever it is I have with D a little further. I am hoping that by some twisted kind of fate, SM is also attracted to me. But I am slowly convincing myself that it is only in my head. After all, he hasn’t declared anything to me.
I’ve already mentioned my hopeless attraction to a number of friends and relatives. And they’ve all concluded that it will lead to nowhere. Do you really want to be the one to always take care of him, they ask. Alagain, colloquially. And even if it breaks my heart to accept it, it’s true. Even if he actually liked me, it’s not the same intensity. I’ll only be hurt in the long run because with my disposition, I would require from him no less than what I am accustomed to give: all-consuming to the point of near destruction. It’s unhealthy, as I’ve said, but passion had never been otherwise.
And it is with a heavy heart that I am letting go. I really thought there was a reason for me to hang on, but it seems it was all in my head. The flirting by posts was very flattering, but it’s time to move on. If indeed it’s all in my head, then I’m better off cutting ties while it doesn’t hurt so much.
Forgive me, my love. But I think this is all for the best. You have your whole life ahead of you. And while I haven’t begun mine myself, the disparity is just too much to ignore.
You’ll always be my beautiful dream. But it’s time to wake up and stop being haunted and hurt by uncertainty. Admit it, we succeeded in hurting ourselves in the process of getting each other’s attention. It’s time to let go and move on.
I sincerely thought I could love you from afar, but it seems I need affirmation as well. This you seem to be unwilling to do. And even if you do, where would that lead us? It’s better this way.
You’ll always be my baby angel.


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