I remember being fueled by apathy. Or, to put it correctly and less poetically, by being devoid of emotion. Looking back now it was a lonely place. But that thought’s only in hindsight. During that time I didn’t care. Just the slightest feeling gets nipped before it starts to spread. It was a sad experience, but it served its purpose.
But you don’t get to the point of apathy in an instant. There was a feeling of bitterness. Unresolved conflict. I don’t remember now what made me that way. All I remember now are the vague pangs.
And sometimes, that awful feeling of despair. Of not having someone to turn to because I didn’t want to burden other people with my misery. Not yet. Not when I couldn’t understand it myself.
I don’t know what brought this feeling on. Not alone, but still so lonely. I honestly don’t want to go through it again. And so, the resolve to be happy outwardly as much as I can. Because I know that inside, there will always be that unhappiness that will gnaw at me. But hopefully not bitterness. Oh God, not the bitterness again.