One step closer…

Sometime this afternoon thoughts of him crossed my mind again.

Part of me knew I wasn’t completely cured. But I had gotten pretty good at temporarily forgetting him. It’s only in those inexplicable moments that I am seized by images of him — admittedly idealized.

Yes, I don’t know him very well, but I have idealized him so much that he has become palpable to me. I carried my idealized version of him in my heart, so I loved “him” almost right from the start.

Which is almost always the case. Lamentable, really, this cycle. I still haven’t learned.

But I am truly slowly erasing him from my mind. It’s a long process, but it will happen. In my head I was trying to rationalize the reason it could never be. There is something weird about all this, after all.

How to be brave?
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall.
And all along I believed I would find you.

Yes, I believed I would find you, but I am letting go. Again, uncertainty has always been my undoing.

Funny that now I am unwilling to do anything more. I used to move heaven and earth just to get closer to the object of my attention. Maybe I’ve gotten older.

Maybe I’ve learned after all.


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