There are times when I just want to give up. Okay, maybe more than usual. No specific reason, really – just a general dissatisfaction with my life. Maybe it’s because I’m not doing what I think I should be doing. But really, what is it that I’m supposed to love?
Perhaps that’s the reason I’m dissatisfied. I don’t know what I want.
I remember when I was a kid I wanted to be a writer. Well, then, technically writing is my profession. And most of the time I like it…. I’m just bogged down by my own insecurities and uncertainties.
But still… I think that’s not entirely the reason for the dissatisfaction.
I guess… No matter how much I deny it, I know what isn’t making me whole. And part of me cannot accept that reason, because I despise the fact that my wholeness is dependent on another person.
How I wish I could return to the time I was still giddy about the thought that perhaps we could have a future. Unfortunately, that time has passed. Feelings have changed.
I am stupidly longing for someone who barely knows I exist. At least, I don’t think he’s overtly shown that he somehow feels the same way about me. And if there’s one thing I told myself I don’t want to ever experience again, it’s that disenchanting feeling to be forever longing for someone who doesn’t like you in the same way, after all. I don’t want to be in that position again. It just hurts too much. So maybe it was my fault for getting my hopes up. But at least now I’ve learned… enough that to know that I don’t want to be in the same situation again.
Enough to walk away before I fall in too deep. So maybe I loved you from afar. But how could it be real love when I don’t know you enough, after all? It’s just stupid infatuation. I’m actually better off with my feelings for Mr. Wonderful. At least then, I felt protected, even if that was because he had to.
And oh… speaking of Mr. Wonderful. I love-hate him in the bipolar fashion I’m accustomed to. But he is lost to me now. As I’ve told myself before (after my overanalysis), he came into my life for a purpose. And with that purpose done… Well, there’s nothing much left after the goodbyes.
Sometimes I wish I could just cut off all the connection, like Mr. Wonderful’s. But that would be weird, because he’s connected to one of the things I like. Siiigh. I don’t even know why I fell for him in the first place.
I know I need to feel motivated again. Maybe it’s wrong to pin my hopes up in him. But I am.
And that’s where the dissatisfaction lies.
Siiiigh. No matter how much I try to reason with myself, the long and short of it is, I want him to love me like I love him, even if my love is based only on my idealized version of him. It’s imaginary, yes… but I firmly believe that my imagination is closer to reality than I think.