About last night.

I struck again.

I thought I was ready. But I’m not. How could we be when I was thinking about someone else? It’s unfair. It will be unfair.

And last night… Well, it brought memories of Mr. Wonderful. Sure, he comes to mind at times even before, but I allowed myself to indulge thoughts of him last night… maybe because it was a crazy-funny time. Yes, I’ll always have fond memories of him, no matter if the first time we met he looked like he couldn’t wait to get rid of me… or what the hell was he going to do with me.

But really… last night brought the realization that, yes, I longed for someone else. I don’t know if anything will come out of it, but I’d rather stay this way than be with someone only halfheartedly, no matter how much I care for that person. In the end, I know we’d just end up hurting more if we start off on the wrong foot.

All or nothing. It has always been this way. Maybe I’m missing out on a lot of things, but I know it will be all right in the end. It might mean that that kind of happiness will always be elusive to me, but I’d rather be discontented than inflict pain, deliberately or unwittingly.

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