There was also another thing I realized over the past couple of weeks. I’m very vulnerable to touch…. and I fall for guys whom I think can keep me safe no matter what the cost.
I have no idea if he meant anything, or every seemingly serious thing he said about what could be was in jest… all I know is that I really liked him. I know I could be very frustrating as a student, but he was very patient and never lost his temper with me. For that alone he earned my respect.
And I guess it’s a different feeling for me to trust a stranger with my life, even if I do have the wheel. And, well, I guess to lull away the time I did disclose snippets of my life — some stuff I don’t remember telling even my best friend. Most of them weren’t life-changing stories, but you must remember it’s difficult for me to talk about myself. For example, my motorcycle ride wasn’t a really big story to tell, but I remember how scared/carefree I felt when I recounted it so it’s a big deal to me. (And maybe I’m not going to ride on one again unless I really have to — I don’t fancy the idea of man vs machine when it comes to motorcycle accidents, especially if the man parts are mine. Uh oh, it’s telling that I feel very cautious about stuff, huh?)
Close contact is bad for me, I guess. It’s a throwback to my past, when I fell like a rock for someone who held my hand during an earthquake. I guess it’s analogous to that: in the back of my head I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’m going to die since I’m the one driving, and it’s comforting for me to know that he’ll steer the wheel or move the gear shift if things get out of hand.
So yeah, I liked him… and, well, it’s just too bad that he’s already taken. I don’t know if he was really attracted to me (I think he was, but I could be very wrong about this) or was just saying stuff to make me feel comfortable with him. In any case, it’s all right. I’ll chalk it up to experience. Besides, if things in his personal life fall through and he actually liked me, he has my contact details. I’ve always thought that if a person was really interested in you, s/he’ll find a way to contact you. (I make it sound like the HR department, haha.)
As for me, well, I won’t hold my breath since it could all be in my head. One thing’s for sure: he’ll always be my Mr. Wonderful.
If I were to die this morning,
would you tell me things that you wouldn’t have?
Would you be my navigator?
Would you take me to a place we could hide?
As I’m fading out,
I don’t feel anything at all.
Think I’m moving on.
Know you’ll be safe but not alone.