Awhile ago I was reading a few posts off my multiply. The last public post was and i call it ambivalence. (part two) posted April last year. I wrote it a day after graduation, and it was mostly a prayer/resolution of sorts. I was relieved and happy — and no less bewildered — to have finally graduated, and being a big believer in signs I took that as the sign to move on to the home stretch… and if I didn’t pass the bar, then that was the sign that I wasn’t really meant for the legal profession.
I have been very, very lucky, if I must say. Sure, I came out of this experience less than whole — badly beaten and my spirit was nearly broken (the only thing that kept me going at times was the thought that if I left I wouldn’t have a way back — yes, I like the idea of finality: once it’s closed, it’s closed so I didn’t have to deal with what-ifs) — but I came out of it. That in itself is cause for celebration.
This afternoon, I realized that I have finally accepted it for what it was… because I was able to talk about it without my heart or my voice breaking. You see, it’s very, very difficult for me to talk about my experiences and my feelings, and even if it seems that I’m very open when I blog about it, what I write scratches only the surface, and if it’s really painful for me I’m usually vague in my recounting (or I’m expressing myself with lyrics).
So it feels kinda freeing to have finally said something about it in the open, and to someone I’ve just recently met. (Talking about me to a relative stranger is another novel experience for me.)
Going back to my multiply post, I reread it and saw that I was praying to be at peace. Funny, it was also the theme of my plurk before I went to sleep that night I learned of the bar results: “Thank you. I feel blessed. And humbled. And at peace.”
And so it is what it is.