Thoughts after seeing a celebrity again.

So I saw him again at my boss’ party. I was again awkward when I saw him because I wasn’t prepared. Third time to have my picture taken with him. I wonder if gigs like that bore him. He looks so warm when he’s with his fans that I imagine being at private parties must be quite bland. I always end up tongue-tied when with a stranger, moreso with a celebrity. Maybe someday, when things are level, and he’s not the known actor that he is now, I’ll get to see him again. And when that happens, I’ll show him the pictures as a reminder. Then I’ll ask him what he really thinks of these private events. I’m sure he’ll have a kind word to say, but deep down, does he feel uncomfortable about it? Because it’s not the same as being with people who admire you (attending someone’s birthday party is different from going to your fan club day, after all).

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Five loves.

Hello, dear friend. It’s been a while since we last saw each other. Or, more like, since I last wrote something. Of significance.¬†I am still undecided if it was by choice or circumstance. By circumstance, because¬†I just couldn’t find the words to express the maddening happiness and sadness I felt. By choice, because¬†writing it down may lessen the delirium and turmoil I felt. And perhaps I didn’t want to write it because I was afraid that if I do, I¬†would have cast its unrealization in stone.

But now I write. And it’s still unclear to me why I’m doing this now. As I’ve tried to explain in my paragraph above, writing¬†my thoughts has always been cathartic for me, but with catharsis¬†comes the resignation that it couldn’t be. And it always pains me when I subject myself to such finality. But I know I must write this, if only to remind my future self that at least again I had loved… and perhaps most unselfishly this time.

I could start by saying that, as far as I can recall, there were five times I could safely say that I loved a number of people.

First, the puppy love that was my high school love. Of course that turned up not the way I expected, but even then I would like to think that I was mature enough to deal with it being unrequited.

Second, the love that was this time returned… and one that I took pride in for having fallen into by sheer communication alone. I had known before meeting him that I had fallen for him. It was¬†exhilarating — a roller coaster ride of sorts, with me crying my eyes out in front of the computer as I read of my loss even before the “we” had begun. Then my joy when he returned to me, that I was the one all along. But alas, it was not meant to be. We were young and unsure of ourselves. But to be critical about it, his chips were down, and he couldn’t rise above that status. I tried to help him, but even my resilience could not help him overcome it.

Third, the one brought about by the sheer terror of possible¬†death. Of course, that’s being melodramatic of me, but an earthquake (thankfully of a minimal magnitude) made me see him in a new light. Perhaps that was unfair… and perhaps he didn’t like me as much as I would like him to, but I will always love him for not totally cutting me off from his life. Although sometimes I wish he did, so he could have saved me from the trouble of holding on to what-ifs.

Fourth, the one that I’m unsure if I really loved or not, and the off-chance that he might have loved me back but was hindered by the magnitude of my love for the one above. I will never ever know. Or maybe I’m just consoling myself with that piece of BS, because I just couldn’t understand him… and couldn’t bear to not understand him. If for nothing else, I would always love him for giving me the material stuff I loved most: CDs. That sounds materialistic, I know, but if you knew me you would know that it means the world to me.

Perhaps I would talk a bit more about the Fourth, because he is intertwined with the Fifth. You see, he comes around in the most opportune times. He would tweet or text me most unexpectedly — when I am most desolate. What woman could resist¬†such sympathy and encouragement? I couldn’t. But my fault was hoping there could be more. But there couldn’t be more, because it just wasn’t meant to be.

Fourth dissuaded me from the Fifth, because the Fifth was off-limits. I could do better, Fourth seemed to say. I forget how he said it, but that’s the message. We do not tangle with the attached ones. And so it pained me — or perhaps my ego took a beating — to hear that he had reneged on this advice.

I cannot say that I entertained the thought of Fifth just because of Fourth’s betrayal of his advice, because the very reason I knew of it was because I was trying to seek advice from another friend¬†on how to deal with my feelings for the Fifth.

Oh, and the Fifth. The most recent of the persons who have¬†stolen a piece of my heart. And steal it he did, because it was entirely unexpected. Aside from the fact that he should be off-limits, well, he doesn’t fit into¬†my “type”. I have no idea what triggered my awareness of him, but I know the first time was in 2014.¬†There was a sudden awkwardness I felt, at least on my part, after the Laguna trip. The confirmation of it was that time we were to cross paths on a narrow way, and that awkwardness came up again. There were hints of it after that, but nothing really worth mentioning until the last few months of 2015. Perhaps it was my fault of opening up again… but I just couldn’t contain myself and I desperately needed someone to talk to. He was there, just listening, and I loved him for it. And not just listening, but active listening. That he understood me. I guess it helps that we somehow have the same interests.

Anyway, I know it won’t last. Time is ticking. We’d have to part eventually. And apart from the olive groves and the craziness, I could always sing Bob Dylan’s words a la Adele, but with a tweak in the meaning:

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven’t made your mind up yet,
But I will never do you wrong.
I’ve known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I’d go hungry; I’d go black and blue,
I’d go crawling down the avenue.
No, there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain’t seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn’t do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love.

I am steeling my heart for such bittersweet goodbye.

#36 #leapyear2016

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Borrowing time.

Today’s words of wisdom were brought to me by someone from whom I least expected them to come. He started with a pretty great quote (which makes so much sense, really, but for the life of me I can’t seem to apply) and ended with a simple advice (which would have been quite effective if […]

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