Kamikaze.

Spent part of the day over at Seattle’s Best Katipunan (wow, free advertising) with my almost-always seatmate. We were reading the dissenting opinions to the North Sea Continental Shelf case: She occupied with Lachs, me occupied with Tanaka.  (And we actually even discussed the nationalities of these Justices.)

Over my cup of cappuccino and her cup of latte we talked about the current situation at her hometown (which is still declared in a state of calamity), business, how our parents are particularly resilient and relatively successful in life, our near futures, and my current life which seems to be perpetually in suspended animation.

My thoughts and my life are no secret to my law school friends, particularly since they’re part of the set of my friends who actually interact with my dad. Some of my college friends have had interaction with my dad at given times, but they aren’t much compared to theirs, since theirs are mostly of the short duration and Dad was more or less preoccupied with work.

So yes… I revealed that there isn’t really any point in me continuing to study, because I don’t really see myself practicing this profession I’m supposedly studying for.  (This realization was brought up after one of the Succession sessions, wherein the professor stated that we don’t need any more lawyers, because there are more than enough as it is.  [Funny thing is, I remember my brother telling me this a few years back.  No secret, then! And the number of names in the rolls attest to this fact.]) She looks at me incredulously. Oh well.

How is it that every time I have my cup of coffee I’m lucid and rational? I should be injecting caffeine into my bloodstream all the time then.

Or maybe I’m still affected with yet another semi-failure. But, really. When I learned of it I was just ambivalent. That’s how affected I was. And it’s scary, because this was how I felt before I actually admitted to myself that I have become apathetic.

But that was years ago, and such apathy was fueled by my non-interaction with human beings. I can’t very well state the same reason — the same excuse — now.

Anyway, the point really is that during that coffee session I was saying that if ever I manage to stay sane, graduate and get my name included in the rolls, I still don’t see myself doing litigation (which my Succession prof says is a must for graduates of this hallowed school I’m currently enrolled in). “And what will you do?” Almost-Always Seatmate asked.  I smile mischievously. “Um… notarize?”

And in PIL class the prof said that he had such high hopes for the members of his class, that we should aspire to become Justices of the Supreme Court.  Not notarization work. Sir, where you there with us in that coffee shop?

Still…

Maybe my disillusionment stems from the way our government works in general. The corruption, the injustice… We all want change, but change can’t be brought about by sitting idly. Maybe this torture I’m submitting myself to is my contribution. Who knows? Maybe when the opportune time is at hand I would have already changed my mind, and accepted that it is what I should do.

For now I’ll content myself with floating.  And if I drown, then it is at it should be. I have told the Universe what I wanted.  I have accepted what I could. I have received what the Universe has given me. I will not ask for more.

At least, not yet.